As the Last I May Know Read online

“How was the trip?” Tej asked.

  Nyma closed the box and set it aside, careful not to drag her dagged sleeve in the sugar. She’d asked to stop wearing Tower livery of late—she wasn’t required to, and she found she liked having a say in designing outfits for herself. All under the watchful eye of the Tower communications staff, of course.

  Besides, she was grateful to find one more distraction from the ever-pressing weight of the air around her.

  “Nyma?”

  “The feeds aren’t always right, you know. About the war.” She played with the hem of her sleeve instead of looking at Tej. “But I can always tell when it’s bad, because he stops talking to me.”

  Cowardice, Tej wanted to say, but didn’t. They’d all been so hopeful this war would end two years ago. Instead it had dragged. And dragged.

  And now the murmurs were becoming pointed shouts, and the editorials kept mentioning the words “land invasion.” Their nation hadn’t suffered a conflict on its own soil in two hundred years.

  Tej was of the opinion that they’d earned that tranquility by striving so hard to be a force for peace. His countrymen didn’t seem so certain. Nyma’s ear might be on the feeds and the president’s mood, but Tej’s was on the populace, the growing rumbles of anger and discontent. That was what he feared most of all.

  “Nyma,” he said. “I had a thought while you were away. Are you still writing?”

  Her head came up in surprise. “You mean, writing poetry? Of course.”

  “I think,” Tej said, “that we should publish some of it. A book.”

  “My poems? But I’m—” Not good enough, still a child, still learning? “I’m not sure I’m—that’s like a dream, to be published, but Tej, I don’t even know if I have enough. I’m already embarrassed of what I wrote last year.”

  “The ones you gave me last year for composition lessons were quite impressive,” he said, truthfully. It had still perhaps been obvious they had been from the hand of a child, but the emotion that bled between the lines had wrenched him. “We’ll have an editor help you. What do you think?”

  “I don’t … I mean, I…” She couldn’t have said why, but it didn’t feel right. It was all too easy. If she weren’t the president’s carrier, she’d have to keep working at it, scraping and practicing until her verses caught the eye of a professional, wouldn’t she?

  But if she weren’t the president’s carrier, she’d have a lifetime of years for that.

  “All right,” she said to Tej. She felt real and unreal, excited and not excited, all balled up like twine in her heart.

  He flashed her a quick, tight smile. “Good. You know, Nyma, it takes more than soldiers to win a war.”

  She blinked. “But the Islanders won’t even be able to read my poems. Unless they’re translated or something.”

  “That’s not the only war we’re fighting.”

  * * *

  Whether from morbidity or compassion or their own ideological motivations, the nation’s people devoured the book of poems titled The Girl in the Tower. Presses clacked overnight, every night, binding up more copies, and Nyma’s name fell in too-careful droplets from everyone’s lips.

  She thought she’d become used to the stares and whispers, but now public focus riveted on her like it wanted to drag her under the waves. The Tower communications staff had to block out a cascade of interview requests; the few profiles Nyma did do exploded and thrived across the feeds. Her photograph seemed to be plastered everywhere—almost always a solemn portrait that had been taken with dark lighting over a sea-green dress. It made her appear a waif. Nyma hated it, but candid captures of her laughing in the sun and wearing gold or pink seemed not to fit the feeds’ narrative.

  The protesters called her out by name now. It wasn’t only abstract carrier “children” they chanted and opined about, but Nyma, the Poet in the Tower, who deserved to grow old, who was the fire and rallying symbol of everyone who opposed the use of seres.

  President Han wasn’t happy.

  He was a good enough man that he did not lose his temper to Nyma about it, though he might have glowered in her direction more than a few times, after interviewers asked him with appalling directness whether he could truly imagine himself sliding a blade between her ribs and tearing open her heart. But he did summon Tej to him.

  “You’re using her. You’re despicable.”

  Tej kept his hands folded before him, a picture of tranquility he hoped would be maddening. “Nyma believes in what we do. Would you really be so heartless as to tell her she can’t speak for herself?”

  “Damn you, man! Do you think I’d ever use the blasted things if I thought I had a choice? And you want to pinch us between annihilation from overseas and a bloodbath in our own country if I have to dirty my hands the way you people set me up to? You think that won’t be the hardest day of my cursed life already?”

  “I feel little pity for that,” Tej said dryly, “seeing as it would be the last day of Nyma’s.”

  Had Nyma herself heard the conversation, it only would have intensified the confused resentment that had been building in her toward both men. It sat in her throat, an unhappy lump. She’d always remained a little afraid of the president, no matter how much time she’d spent with him, but the anger edging her fear—that was new. Wasn’t this her duty? But what right did Han have to react so blackly to her having spoken what she felt?

  Didn’t she deserve to be her own person, for whatever time she did have?

  Her ill will toward Tej was more complicated. He cared for her, that she knew; and he had always been so careful in reminding her she had choices, even more than the other Elders. But … she didn’t want to be the trapped waif who emerged flatly from his campaign, either.

  She didn’t know how, after so many people had read what was in her heart, she could feel so much like she had no voice.

  * * *

  Nyma made it two months past the day she turned thirteen before the air raid sirens screamed into the night and the first shelling rocked the Capital.

  She followed what they’d drilled so many times now, quickly and automatically, her pulse hammering her ribs and chasing out any emotion. Only minutes later she huddled in the shelter, still in her nightdress, between the Minister of War and the Chief Transportation Administrator. She hugged her hands under her arms, but her palms wouldn’t get warm.

  The Minister of War was called into the next room for a council with the president. Nyma hunched against the wall. There were no windows. Like a prison cell, she thought. Trapped inside our own safety.

  But she wasn’t safe here. She was all inside out, waiting for her own death when everyone else sighed in relieved protection.

  There was a poem in that, but she couldn’t concentrate to draw it out.

  She put a hand over her thudding heart. She fancied she could feel the capsule with the sere codes pushing against her fingers.

  But the president didn’t summon her that night. Or the next. Or the next, when the air raid siren klaxoned again. It took seventy-four days, the fall of three strategic outposts, and an occupying force on the outer peninsula for the call to come.

  When Nyma entered the room, President Han was alone, and he was crying.

  He took her hands. His were wet with his own tears, but Nyma was numb.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, through hiccuping breaths. “I’m so sorry.”

  Nyma’s whole face began to prickle then. She wanted to have some deep, profound last thoughts, but her mind was a blank.

  She tried to keep breathing. It was hard.

  “If you want—some time, to say goodbye to people, or—”

  “Get it over with now, please.” She could be brave, if he did it now. She didn’t want to live one more afternoon with this miserable finality crushing her.

  The president detached his hands from hers as if he had to unclench them. He went to his desk and opened an ornate, ceremonial box.

  Inside was a dagger. Its sleek blade hooked
into Nyma’s gaze and wouldn’t let her go.

  The president pushed a buzzer. Several advisors and generals came into the office. Tall, unsmiling, faces grave.

  “Witness,” the president mumbled. “As signed by the Council…”

  He reached for the dagger’s hilt. His hand shook.

  Nyma felt no sympathy. She hoped his hand would shake so much he dropped it.

  And then—it did. He did.

  The dagger clattered to the desk.

  “Find me another way!” The words tore forth, bowling into his generals, and Nyma had never seen him so angry. He whirled on Nyma. “Get out!”

  She ran.

  She didn’t stop until she was back in her quarters, and then her legs went out on her, all wobbly and backward, and she collapsed on the woven floor mats, shuddering. Her breath heaved in and out, too fast and too ragged, and then the breaths caught and turned to ugly, wrenching sobs, and she couldn’t stop trembling.

  He’s going to call me back, he’s going to call me back, he’s going to call me back and he’s going to do it—

  But he didn’t. The sun set, and Nyma couldn’t sleep, and the next day Tej came to see her.

  * * *

  He burst into her suite and gathered her up in an embrace so tight she couldn’t breathe.

  “Nyma, I—I heard, I came as soon as—”

  She pushed out of his grasp. She didn’t want to cry again. She couldn’t comfort him on top of herself.

  Tej had a wildness in his eyes. “I have, I have a plan. I’m one of the Elders who—when a new president is elected, and a new carrier chosen, we have to, the codes have to be reset and a new capsule made, and I have access—Nyma, you can run away from this. I’ll help you. We can do it tonight.”

  She fought the sudden urge to vomit. If she ran, it would just be one of her classmates chosen instead. Why would he ask that of her?

  “Who would you choose instead of me, then?” she cried. “You think I would pick someone else to die?”

  “No. No.” The wildness burst from Tej’s face like he had lost reality. In truth, he hadn’t slept at all, frantically preparing, sneaking every piece of groundwork into place, half hoping he would be caught while simultaneously terrified of the consequences of his treason. All that remained was for Nyma to agree. And still, trying to speak these words aloud was beyond the worst hell he’d ever conceived. “We won’t put the codes in anyone else. I’ll reset them from yours and deliver them to the president. Nobody—nobody needs to die for this. Not you, not anybody. Please.”

  She recoiled from him. “What?”

  “I’ve arranged security so—I can do it. Please, Nyma, I’m begging you.”

  Fury welled up in Nyma, eclipsing her feverish panic. How dare he? How dare he offer her a way out, a way to gallivant off into the night, and still give the president what he wanted? It wasn’t right, that was why there was a carrier, so there was a cost, and hadn’t Tej been the one who taught her so? “You can’t do that!”

  “No, it’s different now.” He turned his face away from her. He’d never questioned the mission of the Order, not once—not until he stood here on the precipice of destroying it. “Maybe sometimes—this decision—people are dying, Nyma. You’re here in the Tower and all the security and you don’t see—I walk through the streets, and there aren’t even enough hands to carry away the bodies. Rubble everywhere, and the dust, and the fear, and—I’m afraid. I’m afraid. Nyma…”

  He closed his eyes. They hadn’t stopped burning for weeks.

  “You think we should use seres,” Nyma said slowly. “You think we should use them.”

  “I don’t—I don’t know.”

  His eyes were still closed, but he felt her hand on his sleeve.

  “That’s why there’s a carrier,” she said “That’s why we didn’t just get rid of them all—in case we ever do have to. But it should be—it should be desperate. Right? That’s why I’m here. To make sure.”

  “I don’t know what’s right anymore,” Tej whispered.

  Nyma wondered if this was what it felt like to stop being a child.

  “It’s not about right and wrong,” she said to him. “It’s about making it hard.”

  * * *

  Nyma sat in her quarters in the Tower, waiting.

  The klaxons rang out every night now. Smoke and dust masked the Capital streets, but whenever the wind whisked it away, the soaring arches and towering buildings had crumbled into successive layers of ruin.

  She gazed out the window and wondered if her death could save them all, or if it would only lead to so many mirrors of herself being massacred, all for the crime of a birth on enemy land.

  Or maybe this was the end of everything. Their enemy didn’t have seres themselves, but they had allies who did. If the president … it didn’t comfort her, thinking of her own death as only the first in senseless billions, imagining that the world would outlast her by mere weeks before becoming a blank wasteland.

  Why? she wondered emptily. Nobody wins.

  She smoothed the press of her skirts and picked up her stylus. Opened her pad.

  She didn’t feel like searching for rhymes, today. But maybe she was past needing to.

  I’m here to make you doubt

  You wish I weren’t.

  I hold no answers in my loaded heart.

  I only sit

  and wait

  and wait

  and wait.

  About the Author

  S. L. Huang has a math degree from MIT and is a weapons expert and professional stuntwoman who has worked in Hollywood on Battlestar Galactica and a number of other productions. Her novels include the Cas Russell series (formerly known as Russell’s Attic), which begins with Zero Sum Game. Huang’s short fiction has appeared in Strange Horizons, Nature, Daily Science Fiction, and The Best American Science Fiction & Fantasy 2016. She is the author of Zero Sum Game, Null Set, and Critical Point. You can sign up for email updates here.

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  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Begin Reading

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2019 by S. L. Huang

  Art copyright © 2019 by Scott Bakal